Parenting with Pre-Minders: Welcome to Nirvana

January 10, 2017 by Beth Hockman Leave a Comment

Ah, yes reminders. Those lovely statements we seem to say over and over to our kids. All the while thinking that if we remind them just one more time we will receive our desired outcome. We get tired of using them and our kids get tired of hearing them. We get so tired of using reminders that we will often say things like, “Sweet girl, if I have to remind you one more time to unpack your school bag I am going to explode.” Sound familiar?

Here’s the thing about reminders. They are, in their purest form, demands. When our kids hear a demand they sense an implied threat and will often fight against this implied threat. It may present itself as tuning us out, refusing to do requested reminder or worse, self-sabotage.

Another thing happens with reminders. Our kiddos will come to require the number of reminders we give them. We actually condition our kids by using reminders. So going back to the school bag example – if I remind my daughter 12 times to unpack her school bag I have just now conditioned her to receive 12 reminders before she will unpack her school bag.

When our twins were little peanuts my husband and I decided we would be 3 reminder parents. We agreed that after the 3rd reminder we would take action and remind no more. They were little and we figured 3 reminders would be fair. As little ones are, our girls were highly distractible so we felt comfortable with 3 reminders. It was enough to give them some direction but not enough where we did all the thinking. We believed that our kids should go to bed tired from doing all of their thinking not us. And reminders put the burden of thinking on us instead of them.

So when we were getting ready to go the park we would remind our sweet girls 3 times to get their shoes on and after the 3rd reminder we would head out the door and start the car. Sometimes they would follow with shoes in hand and sometimes they would be barefoot. It didn’t matter to us as they were the ones who were going to have to figure it out. Now at age 5 all we have to say is let’s go to the park. And they know what needs to happen because they have been doing the bulk of the thinking for the past two years.

The 3 reminder limit was working but I wondered if there was something better than reminders. Because let’s face it as a parent we are hard-wired to give reminders. And as the girls got older I found myself being pulled to “reminders”. Especially with one of our girls. She lives so much in the moment and is highly distracted by bright shining objects, puffy clouds and puppy dogs if you know what I mean.

So that is when I came up with the pre-minder. It has been a game changer for us. The pre-minder is almost always in the form of questions and it happens before, not during the “situation,” thus the “pre” in pre-minder. Let’s look at an example. We have pulled in the driveway from school. Before the girls get out of the car we have the following conversation:

Me: “Hey sweet girls, what needs to happen the minute we get inside?”
Girls: “We need to unpack our school bags.”
Me: “Beautiful! What does that look like?”
Girls: “We put our Baggie Books in our cubby. Hang up our coat and make sure our lunch box is in the sink.”
Me: “Love it! Anything else?”
Girls: “Nope except give Connor (our dog) a cuddle.”
Me: “Sounds awesome. What will happen if this does not occur the minute we get inside?”
Girls: “We won’t get our after school snack until it is all done.”
Me: “Love it. Let’s do it to it!”

As we enter the house post school pick up, a time that historically was rich in reminders, the girls go about what needs to be done with not a word from me. By using pre-minders the girls do the thinking and own the process. When kids own the process they are more likely to follow through.

Pre-minders are a way to set them up for success. It keeps you from nagging, which reminders quickly turn into, and it supports a respectful parent child dynamic.

The long-term effects are amazing as well. By coaching your kids through what needs to happen via questions they begin to develop the executive function part of brain. This is where logic, reason, consequential thinking and cause and effect thinking reside. A part of the brain that I want to be strong in my girls.

Next time you find yourself wanting to give a reminder rather ask yourself how can I present this as a pre-minder rather than exhaust both parties with reminders.

Let’s look at another example. You all are having lunch and have made plans to go to the pool after lunch is done. This is where you want to do a pre-minder. Let’s take a look.

Me: “I love the idea of going to the pool after lunch – yea! What do we need to do before we can leave for the pool?”
Girls: “Clear our dishes and load them in the dishwasher.”
Me: “Yes, that sounds great. What else needs to happen? Like what do we need to do in order to be prepared for the pool?”
Girls: “Get our suits on and our suntan lotion.”
Me: “Yep, and what do we need while we are at the pool?”
Girls: “We need to pack our sun hats, goggles, water bottle and snacks.”
Me: “That sounds great. How much time do you think you will need to make this happen?”
Girls: “I bet we can do it in 5 minutes!!”
Me: “Great. Just let me know when you are ready and we can head out for an afternoon of fun in the sun.”

You will notice that you are coaching them through the process with questions. And part of that coaching is asking the questions of, “What does it look like?”, “How much time do you need?” and/or “What happens if it is not completed?” By doing that you allow them to set their own boundaries and expectations which means less push back because they have shared control. By having them articulate, “What that looks like,” there won’t be any discrepancies in expectation which will help you stay away from reminders.

Play around with pre-minders and let me know how it goes. You will love the liberation that comes from not having to live in the cycle of reminders.

Are You Teaching Your Kids to Listen to Peer Pressure?

November 14, 2014 by Beth Hockman Leave a Comment

As parents we fear the day when the voice of our kid’s peers trumps our parental voice. And it isn’t just the voice of peers. It is also the voices of social media and pop culture that we fear. To be honest the latter two scare me more.

My girls are 4, twin girls, and currently I am able to control the outside influence in their world. Yes, they listen to my parental voice and I do not take this for granted. Like many 4 year old girls they play princess and mermaids – the empowered kind that rescue themselves not the Disney ones that wait to be rescued by a man or give up their identity to be with a man. I have exerted my parental voice and shared my values with them regarding the princess/mermaid story lines I favor. I get to pick what movies they can watch and for now that works, but having spent my professional life as an educator, I know that won’t last.

At some point their adolescent brain will turn off my parental voice. I completely understand that this is a developmental milestone my girls will need to go through as they seek social support groups outside of the home. This is an evolutionary step that other mammals go through as well. Dr. Siegel writes in his book, “Brainstorm”, “Associating with our peers during this time is vital for our survival. There is safety in numbers as we, “leave the nest,” and help one another brave this new world.”

I also know that peer pressure in its simplest form is merely the act of listening to an external voice. That’s right – if we wash away all the psycho-educational terms, we get to the core of peer pressure – listening to an external voice. Now think of this as it relates to parenting. If I tell my girls what to do all the time I am in essence teaching them to listen to an external voice – my voice. I may think this is okay because my parental voice has their best interests at heart, but that does not matter as it is still an external voice.

For this article I am mainly referring to negative peer pressure. I acknowledge the existence and power of positive peer pressure. I mean after all, I work out much harder at my Cross fit class then I do at the Y on my own for example.

When I make all their decisions, solve their problems and prevent them from making mistakes I am teaching them to listen to an external voice. It may be a sensible external voice rooted in love and life experience, but none the less it is a voice that is not theirs.

What we need to do as parents is guide our children in developing a strong internal voice. This is the most effective defense to peer pressure. You see, when our child turns off parental voice, and they all do, if we have supported the development of a strong internal voice in them, then that is what they listen to. Not the external voices of social media, pop culture and peer groups, but their own internal voice that we have helped shape.

So, yes I do exert my parental voice like when I only allow movies that represent empowered girls, but I also give them a zillion opportunities during the day to listen to their own voice. To begin to build their internal voice that will allow them to blossom into the amazing women I know they can become.

5 Easy Steps to Help your Child Build a Strong Internal Voice?

1.) Give them lots of choices throughout the day. Small choices like “Do you want to brush your teeth at the kitchen sink or your sink?”, “What would be best for you to clean your room – on Saturday or Sunday?”, “Will you be going to school with your clothes on or in a paper bag?” Choices make them think, it gives them a share in the power dynamic of human relations and it helps them build the 10 second decision making muscle.

2.) Allow your children to make mistakes especially when the consequences are low. Nothing builds a strong internal voice like learning from your mistakes, understanding cause and effect thinking, and allowing the consequences to do the teaching.

3.) Complement effort rather than outcome. Focus on how hard they worked on the assignment not just the letter grade they got on it. By doing this you build a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset in your child. Your child will develop an internal voice that values hard work, tenacity, facing challenges head on and a desire to learn.

4.) Allow your child to solve their problems. Be there in a loving and supportive way but be prepared to say, “What do you think you are going to do about it?”, “How are you going to solve this?”, or “Feel free to solve this any way that does not make a problem for you or anyone else?”

5.) Involve them in the process of designing their own consequences. Research by Charlotte Geary at the University of Virginia found that 16-year-olds whose mothers undermined their autonomy during conflict resolution were high in susceptibility to peer influence. According to the research, teens who participated in joint decision-making (talking things through with their parents) were less susceptible to peer pressure at 18.

So remember, the next time you want to tell your child exactly what to do, ask yourself, “How can I approach this situation in a way that will get them thinking and building their internal voice?”

Questions are the New Answers

March 14, 2014 by Beth Hockman Leave a Comment

Questions are the New Answers

It was only when I became a parent did I truly realize the value of questions. I believe questions are one of the greatest and underutilized parenting tools we have. Questions are the new answers. When you ask more questions and give fewer answers you empower both you and your child.

As an Outward Bound instructor questions were the corner stone of my field work. We used questions so much as Outward Bound instructors that the end of course skits would often involve a parody of our question asking ability. Responding with questions became second nature to me. It was my natural response to answer a question with a question. A common example would be on the trail during a rest break with kids exhaustedly sprawled on their backpacks. A student would approach with the map and compass and desperately ask, “Where do you think we are?” To which I would reply, “Where do you think we are?” She would then say, “I think we are here.” And I would reply, “O.k. and why do you think that?” She would respond with her reasoning and I would watch as her confidence grew and her navigational skills flourished. Would this have happened if I had simply given her the answer?

Eventually with my crews it would get to a point that when they were trying to figure something out whether it was a bear-hang, navigation, setting up their tarps, etc one would say, “Lets just ask Beth.” To which the others would replay, “No, she will just answer with a question. We can figure this out.” And I would sit back and watch as this once “answer” obsessed group of kids become independent, critical thinkers. It was a joyous sight!

Here are 5 ways to use questions in your parenting:

1. More Questions Fewer Battles

A sure fire way to get in a power struggle with your child is to tell them what to do. It may be on an unconscious level, but when you tell your child what to do they sense an implied threat. A loss of power in their relationship dynamic with you! They will sabotage to reclaim this loss of power.

Rather than tell your child what to do redirect with a question. For example instead of saying, “Stop that!” rather ask, “Are you sure this is the right place for that behavior?” Another example would be when your child comes home and dumps their coat at the front door. Instead of saying, “Pick up your coat now!” redirect with “Are you sure you want to leave your coat there?” Questions like these move your child into the thinking state rather than fighting state.

2. Empower Them to Own and Solve their Problems

It is human nature to want to hand off our problems to other people. This happens with adults as well not just kids. If we establish a pattern that every time our child comes to us with a problem we solve/answer it for them they will no longer worry about the problems in their life. Why bother if mom is going to take care of it.

They will also miss out on the learning opportunity of solving their own problems. True self confidence comes from figuring things out for your self not a gold star. Plus they will be more likely not to cause problems if they have to do the work of solving them. So the next time your child approaches you with a problem lock in the empathy and then ask, “What do you think you are going to do about it?” or “Hmm… that does sound tricky, how do you plan on solving it?” By asking your child how they will solve the problem you are sending a power message to them that you believe in their abilities, they are smart, and that they can come up with the answer. You have empowered them to do the thinking.

3. Distraction

The human brain desires closure. It wants to complete the loop. It has a hard time ignoring questions. The brain will put its energy into finding answers to questions which means less energy for resistance.

This has been a parenting life saver for me. I have twin 3 year olds and when they are in the car they love to engage with each other which can be draining for me. When they do this I simply ask them questions like, “Do you think Connor, our dog, would like to go swimming with us at the Y?” or “What would you like for lunch?” or “Do you think the bears are waking up or are they still sleeping?” Any random question I can think of and you would not believe how well it works. They forget what they were engaging in and attempt to answer the question. It moves them from their place of resistance, engagement, whininess, etc. to calm, inquisitive, pliable little people.

4. Prevent you From Lecturing

Often when we become a parent a switch gets turned on in us that I call the “lecture switch”. Although we hated lectures as kids we find ourselves giving them to our kids. And as you have learned they don’t work. The moment we begin a lecture our kids tune us out. They blame us for the consequence rather than themselves and it prevents us from building positive relationships with them.

Rather than lecture use questions. Questions will prevent you from delivering lectures and it will move your child into the thinking state. An example of this would be your child receives a brand new bike for his birthday. He is super excited to ride it to school and you worry that it will get stolen. Normally you would begin to lecture about responsibility, making sure your bike is not stolen, etc. Instead begin with questions. “That does sound awesome to ride your new bike to school. What are your plans for making sure it doesn’t get stolen? Do you think thick rope will prevent kids from stealing it? What is something you might want to use rather than think rope? Where at school do you think is the best place to lock up the bike? I always struggle to remember my combination for my lock. How are you going to remember your combination?”

5. Questions Lead to Discovery

Questions lead to discovery and discovery leads to motivated learners. When my girls ask me how something works or why the dog does something I will lead them on a road of discovery by asking questions. Rather than giving them the answers I ask strategic questions to allow them the freedom and confidence to discover the answers for themselves. This increases their experimentation and inquisitiveness. All little people are motivated learners the key as parents and educators is to keep them motivated and the best way to do this is through questions. By asking questions rather than giving answers you create a culture of experimentation and discovery.

Highly creative achievers don’t begin with a brilliant idea. They discover them. They ask “what if” and “why not”. Questions are the new answers.

How do you use questions to empower your parenting? Please share your experiences by clicking the “Leave a comment” link at the top of this post, I’d love to hear from you.